So I'm setting here, Jackie just left a bit ago for her training and I'll have 3 days by myself. No kids, no wife, just myself. So I thought it might be a good time to reflect a bit on what Sexuary meant to me. I'm sure when Jackie gets back she'll put in her two cents worth too.
Let me start by saying this is year three for Jackie and I to 'celebrate' Sexuary. The first year we wanted to try to have sex 7 straight days. It didn't happen. Then came last year. We were in a better place, but 7 days in a row was a lot to ask still, so we went for every other day on even days. While we didn't exactly succeed we did much better, though by the end we were really struggling. I really mean it was a struggle for us to have sex one more time. ugghhhh
You know we've done a lot of soul searching and working in our marriage over the last 3 or 4 years. We've a lot learned about each other and what makes the other one tick. We've learned to compromise, though as you've read this month we still struggle through some every day issues in communicating those compromises. We have really focused on being better individuals so that we can be a better couple. And we've made time for ourselves as a couple regardless of what 'disaster of the moment' is going on outside of our bedroom door.
I know that sex does not resonate near as high on the 'got to have it' scale for Jackie as it does on mine. Yet I also know that she can get just as excited about it as I can be once we're there. It's getting her out of her head and the other things going on to get her there that is the issue. She's come a long way working on that over the last 3 years. She now realizes how important it is to me to be that intimate with her and has gone out of her way, even when I'm being an ass, to make sure I get that time with her. I know she has to struggle sometimes over that, hell I would.
Jackie says all she ever has to do to get me in the mood is take off her shirt and I'm ready. Makes it difficult at night where we're getting ready for bed, cause I really do find my wife that attractive and that fun to be around. Her kisses will set me off. Her caress will definitely excite me. And just the site of her in the shower gets me excited. She's hot and sexy and she's mine and I love it.
So this year we decided to try a 28 day trek. Not an easy task. We know the Moers and know they had struggles last year with their 31 days. Days they'd of preferred hall sex (you know as you pass each other in the hall you say "fuck you") then to have bedroom sex. And these are people we look up to and respect, so how mere mortals like ourselves going to stand a chance to succeed?
So back in November, yes 3 months before Sexuary started, we started talking about this all. It wasn't all pretty. My 'box' of what I'm willing to try is huge compared to the average person. Basically if I haven't tried it and dislike it I'm willing to try it. Don't know if I'll like it, but I'll try it. And there are things I'll try just because the other person I'm with wants to try. VERY few hard limits. Jackies box is more of a 'normal' box. Don't get me wrong, she tried a lot of things this month not in her box, but I know she struggled with several of them, but if it weren't for me pushing her to push herself some she'd fit into her box and be pretty happy with it. So November to January were lots of discussions on what would and would not be acceptable. We created list. We talked about those list. We modified list. We talked more. We talked more. And then we talked more.
Finally in January we got 'The Calendar' that we've posted. Now this was a major change to Sexuaries of the past. In the past we've alternated who was in charge of making the day special. If the day was a bad day then sex might of been mundane at best. This would have a who was in charge, but most of the pre-planning was already done, so even in a bad day everything was there to complete the task and you knew what we were doing. I personally think this calendar was what made this year so successful for us. It took a lot of pressure off of us on a daily basis. Meant even on a crappy day we knew what was going to happen and that we had the supplies already in our bedroom. I'm sure glad our kids don't come in our bedroom. If they ever looked in our 'drawers of toys' they'd die of embarrassment. And if they saw everything we put in there for this month I'm not sure they'd ever look us in the eyes again.
So as you've read, we made it through the month. Not all days were 'successful' in their goal of enjoying something new, but they were all successful in bringing Jackie and I together. Even during the struggles of a massive yeast infection we were able to work through things and have a great time together. Words like compromise and understanding come to mind after those days. The couple swap day that didn't go anything like we expected. The spanking and Dom/sub that when over like lead balloons. We HAD to talk through those to get past them.
But there were other days that we were flying high after our sexual encounter for the day. Sensation, fisting, piercings, and others were high on our list and will go on our 'must try again' list. Jackie really wants a piercing or two. I knew she'd want another tattoo. We're working on fisting her. Now that we've tried she knows how exciting that can be. So her 'box' got bigger this month.
I know there are all kinds of scientific studies that show that after sex couples release chemicals that bring them closer. Well imagine how close you'd get after 28 days of sex. And while we had one couple of friends tell us they didn't understand just going for 28 straight days, they understood it when we explained that it wasn't about the act of sex, it was about EVERYTHING that comes with it. The pillow talking that gets started again. The wanting to be with your partner. The desire to make them as happy as you've been. The open communications. The flattery. The kissing. The simple "I love you" text for no reason other than they came to your mind for that moment during your busy day. For 28 days I didn't have to do anything and I knew I was going to get sex, and yet I was more than happy to help more around the house because I KNEW I didn't have to do anything to get sex.
I remember a self help study a couple of years ago that was popular. In it the goal was to strengthen your marriage. One of the first things it said was someone has to cross the lines in the sand that you 2 have drawn so that the entire fence can come down. Sexuary is all about that. We crossed LOTS of lines this month. Many sections of fence came tumbling down. And WE are a better couple because of it.
This year we went 17 straight days of sex with no breaks and 26 out of 28 days we had sex. That shattered our previous 7 days in a row of sex and 16 days in a month. Shattered them. And on the 2 other days it didn't mean that we didn't snuggle and caress, it was just intimate non sexual days. So all in all 28 straight days. How can that be bad for any relationship?
So what did Sexuary mean to me? It means I fully appreciate my wife for all she does for me. It means I still get excited when I see her. It means that I've had 28 days to show her how much I appreciate all she does for me. It means we've spent 28 nights, laying in our bed talking about sex, life, kids, sex, and anything else that popped up (did I mention sex?) until we drifted to sleep. It meant we rekindled our love for each other. We made ourselves the priority this month.
I know there is no way to keep the every day pace up. I'm almost 50 and damn proud of getting 28 days in. But seriously that pace while great is not sustainable without itself becoming mundane. But it can be a treat once a year for Sexuary. And I truly believe that the other 337 days of the year will be much closer and better for us because of this exercise during Sexuary.
We don't expect everyone is where we are as a couple. But understand we weren't always here either. There were times we fought about sex. Times we definitely weren't talking. Times I wasn't sure this marriage was going to last, no matter how much we wanted it to. Times were intimacy, communications, and sex were not in our couples vocabulary. And we've gone from that to a month of it. So I don't care if it's been 3 months since the last time you were intimate with your partner or 3 days, there is hope, I know because we're proof. But someone has to take that first step. Something has to change. Priorities to your relationships have to change. And honestly it's not easy. But the rewards are great.
So on this, the last official day of Sexuary 2013 I have a challenge to you. If you haven't done anything this month that is out of your box do it. Call your partner and tell them you love them and hang up...that's it nothing else. Or meet them at the door naked. Or if the kids are an issue, after they are in bed go put on something that makes you feel as sexy as he thinks you are and be waiting on the bed for him. Text him to come find you. Send her flowers just because you love her. Wash the dishes tonight or help dry them. Instead of rolling over in bed roll into bed and wrap your arm around your loved one. Get it? DO SOMETHING!
And heaven forbid you let today go by with nothing happening this Sexuary...don't wait another 11 months for Sexuary to come back around....take tomorrow and start your own Sexuary! Sexuary is a state of mind. It's a matter of making a difference in your relationship.
It's part of the reason this blog isn't over with. Oh the intensity of it will definitely die down some. But we still have a list of fetishes we haven't tried. We have another list of 'OMG we have to do that again' fetishes. We have some that were borderline we have to go decide which side of the fence will they fall on. And who knows as we grow we might go revisit some of those we weren't ready for the first time. So keep following.
You want to help us out some? Let us know if any blog post made a difference for you. Email or comment. We've allowed anonymous comments so you can be honest with us. Let us know that you've done SOMETHING for Sexuary, especially if something you read here pushed you over the edge to make the difference. Let us know if something you read got you so hot and bothered you had to go and surprise your partner. Just let us know, it really is a turn on to us to hear from others that are in our boat of wanting to make their relationships better.
Happy Sexuary to all...and we're already looking forward to 2014!
Dane
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