Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Ok let's try this.  It can go either way and we probably need to decide now who will go first.  There will be a second one later in the month to reverse the rolls.  So we can do it by a roll of the dice or you can decide if you'd like to be Dom first or sub first. 4 Hour time limit - 7:45 - 11:45 in the morning.  Anything can be asked/demanded, you can't say no without reprecutions (spankings, insertations, others???) - *** Decided Dane will Dom 1st***

So in a land far far away and many years ago I had a girlfriend of sorts that was into some BDSM.  It wasn't like she lived every day of her life that way, but she liked a good scene.  We went to several munches (meetings of like minded BDSM members) and were invited to a couple of parties that had sceneing.  We would leave and have hot sex.

I loved the control.  I loved not only the willingness of her to comply but the desired to do her best to send me over the top with her actions.  I can picture in my dreams Jackie fulfilling those wants and desires and it's a huge turn on for me.

I've tried over the years to bring 50 Shades of Gray to our bedroom, and have some very mild success, but that's it.  The success I've had has been fleeting and very sporadic.  I saw this as an opportunity to, on a very limited and safe scale, bring it to the next level. Create a scene and go through it.  It's not like she doesn't like many of the components of the scene, but the scene itself seems to just lock her up and shut her down.

Now today was a bit different.  I had a very early meeting in which we were suppose to start right after an errand I had to run after the meeting.  I come home though and things aren't the way they are suppose to be with our kids and I got upset.  Then Jackie is upset or bothered or ...I don't know but it's not right.  I told her let's just cancel it all because of the happenings.  She insisted, though not with enthusiasm, that we continue when I got back.

I got back and I"m still not right in my head, and it appears to me that every step she takes is trodden with fear.  Anyone who knows BDSM knows that is NOT how it's suppose to be.  We went upstairs where she had drawn me a bath per instructions and I pulled her close and called our safe word.  Before we go any further I was stopping it.  I still had 4 hours set aside of us time, and we'd spend them together, but it wouldn't be a scene.  My head wasn't wrapped tightly around it and neither was hers and someone would of gotten hurt either physically or mentally because of it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in the outcome of the last 2 days.  I knew they were at Jackies very limits if not exceeded them, and was kind of surprised to see them still on the list when we were done with the 'hard limit' removals.  I knew I would be lucky if one of these days went as planned.

But with all that said and done, it's more important that she and I are ok than for me to relive an old dream.  Oh don't get me wrong, I could live in Anne Rices Beauty world. I have no doubt with my demeanor that I would fit in...though I'm not always certain if I'd be a Top or bottom.  But as we've learned several times this month of Sexuary, my dreams and fetishes don't always overlap with hers.  There is a very large center where both do overlap, and for the most part that's where we'll stay.

Oh, we did take the 4 hours together.  She still bathed me and we spent the rest of the morning in bed.  So don't feel sorry for me.  And while we haven't decided what goes into tomorrows slot, the rest of the week is much more to Jackies taste buds and should go much better.


So today was totally out of my comfort zone.  Sure I love to read and watch it but have never really dreamed of doing anything Dom and certainly NOT Sub.  Its a mind game, one that makes me feel small.  I kept it on the calendar because I knew Dane really wanted to try.  Its so new to me  I needed guidance. I wanted to know the rules, what was going to happen, the black the white, so I could chew over it and ask questions.  I did not "say" it out loud.  I just thought it was what would happen.  I thought I would get them ahead of time, instead I got them the morning of.  Now those who know me know I am ADD.  I need a few rules and I need time to read read and reread and work through them so I know the rules.  I got a list of 6 and in some of those you would think Oh that's common sense.  I got my rules this morning about 15 minutes before he got home and I was supposed to be ready, I really needed them weeks ago.  I needed to be able to wrap my, progressive 'no man is gonna tell me what to do' brain around them.Well its only common if its common, and these in my eyes were not common. 

 I had a hard time getting ready let alone trying to get my head in the game when I still had to do "life" I tried, I really did but once again I wasnt showing enough.  I didnt react enough.  "Life" got in the way.   Maybe 4 hours was too much.  Maybe we need to step back and do 30 mins at a time.  And work up to it.  This month is about pushing limits..I do feel bad because the things that I havent reacted to is what he wanted to try.  That he always does what I want to make me happy, and this was what he wanted to try.  I don't know why when I dislike something I cant get past the head game.  

We still did spend 4 hours together, I rubbed on him, sucked on him, and layed with him, slept with him. Had a great morning, I am sorry that I wasn't able to enjoy this like he had hoped.  Who knows what will happen in the future.  I think it might just be where I am right now in my life.  Who knows where I will be next year.  Its hard when making a calender of fetishes, you need stuff you both like.  I told him when we first started this in November if I had given him the list to begin with NOTHING would have been on it.  I am trying to expand my box.  I still love my box, but I am willing...Sometimes the lid slams shut but its not locked...How are you doing? Are you pushing your limits? Are you finding something new you like? Are you communicated the right way? I know I still have struggles with that.  Danes magic ball doesn't work and it wont work, I have to tell him what I need, I can't expect him to know whats going on in my head.

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