Friday, January 24, 2014
So the start to Sexuary 2014 is here. It's to be the last official Sexuary for welcometomybrain.net and Christine has posted the theme and thoughts for this years Sexuary. You can read her blog post here.
I'm struggling here a bit to be honest. I've been thinking about it. "me" is where I started my sexual journey as most young boys do. "me" is the selfishness inside that says "hey, what about me?" "me" is the thing I've tried to let go of over the last 10 years as Jackie and I have struggled through the ups and downs of our relationship, especially our sex lives. There is no doubt even though I'm almost 10 years senior to Jackie, my sexuality is far more open, for more outreaching, and honestly can be far more selfish than hers. My kinko meter barely registers when hers is off the scale. My sexual wants are 100x what hers is. I would say I was born 10 years to late, but not even the 60's would fit me properly. Maybe I was born 20-30 years to early, ahead of the times with some of the things that reel me in and turn me on.
And don't get me wrong, Jackie is no prude. Hell a 'normal' wife would of just called me a pervert and kicked me out. Anyone reading this blog knows that what Jackie and I have done just over the last year is more that most couples would do in a lifetime together, and that's just what we've told you about.
......There is parts of me that I have boxed up, strapped with duct tape, bound with chains and thrown away the keys to keep sanity at hand. Oh they are there. I hear them pounding in the cellars deep below. They echo up the stairwell calling out to be release at times. Periodically I let Jackie glimpse into the cellar, though rarely does the corner of a box get opened. She knows those boxes lay down there, it's not a secret, but still I do my best to ignore them.
When life gets in the way, selfishness of 'me' comes boiling up and screams in my head. It happens. Just this month due to circumstance well beyond anyone's control it has been screaming. Oh the arguments they scream. It's even easy to believe them at times.
.....I've learned that there HAS to be 'me' in or there can not be an 'us'. While the sum of the 2 can far out 'be' what the individual parts can 'be', when the individuals are on full power....and while one of a pair can sometimes pull the other out of a funk, remind them when their self vision is being clouded by life or the current situation...nothing but nothing can cure 'me' like me! If I don't take care of myself, physically, mentally, and even making sure my sexual needs are met, there is no way I can be healthy.
I've learned that sometimes I need time to myself. Sometimes that's not just a couple of hours, but a couple of days. And it's ok to need and take that time.
I've learned that I can ask Jackie to consider to go through the dusty boxes and find something she'd be willing to consider, just because 'me' needs some special care. Those boxes are who I am, and THAT'S OK! Jackie can always say no, though more than likely she'll just alter it enough to be comfortable if she needs to, but even she's come to realize that is who I am, and it's ok to be me!
I've learned that if my BP is 180/100 or my blood sugar is 380 then I can't be my best at anything. And that while 'working out' isn't my thing, the benefits of just 3 days a week on a treadmill is me showing love for myself as my BP drops to 120/80 and my blood sugar drops to 110. It's a love that 'me' can only give myself. No one else can give it to me.
So what's my goals for Sexuary 2014, the year of 'me'? I don't know to be honest. I've spent a lot of time on 'me' over the years, so I'll have to dig deep to come up with something. I've still got a week left, so I'm sure I'll figure out something, but it's going to be a bit of a struggle..after all when you talk about 'me' you have to be honest with yourself or you're just blowing smoke up everyone's (and your own) ass. Which might be ok if that's your kink, but thinking for Sexuary it's not exactly what was intended. Stay tuned ...answers to come.