Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Sexuary 2020 - Spanking Bench
The problem is that every time we've breached the subject of paddling, Jackie gets into meltdown mode pretty quickly. We've talked about it many times. During sex I can spank her ass like nobodies business, but just bending her over the bench to spank is a rough one. I want to be clear, we've talked about this and I know Jackies limits. She also knows I'd stop in a heartbeat if she's heading to a bad place. I would never do anything to Jackie that was a hard no!
But I knew that I couldn't just bend Jackie over the spanking bench and start paddling her. This sexuary the wartenberg wheel has been one of those things that will get her to relax. So I started with the wheels on her back and then added some hand spankings. Some as I'm running the wheel, some just by themselves (like 5 on each cheek).
After I got her ass a bit warmed up I took a ping pong paddle and kept up with the wheel. Her ass is a nice pink by now and well warmed up.
So I pulled out the first paddle and popped her ass in between rolls of the wheel. About 10 pops (and mind you these are not full swings ...but it is a real paddle popping her ass) she starts to cry. Not a cry of pain from the paddle though, I can tell that. So I lean in to talk to her, she tells me she's ok and to please keep going. She promises me she's not in a bad place, and it's not anything about the paddling.
I trust Jackie. We've been in similar places before and I believe her. Whatever it is we'll deal with, but for now we'll keep going. Ten more swats with the second paddle and then I finish up. I give her extra aftercare. I have her lay on me and I rub her for about 30 minutes as she comes back down from her space.
Later that night when I felt it was a good time we talked again. In the past I've asked her dozens of times why she goes south when we talk about paddling and she's never had an answer. She swears she didn't know. Well, while I was paddling her she had an image of her begging her mom to stop paddling her. She had done something and was getting spanked. She doesn't remember the incident, it's just these images she got while we were scene'ing. We don't know how this will play out in the long run. It could be that she's got answers now and spanking/paddling won't be an issue anymore. It could be that it will only get worst. It will be something I'll have to watch in the future.
But we always try to tell the good with the bad, and we're not sure where this comes yet, but at the moment it wasn't the best of things. How it was handled from the time the emotions appeared to the time we totally ended the scene is very important. If you didn't know your bottom you could have a serious issue. This is why communication before, during and after is so important. If I hadn't know Jackie like I did I would of immediately ended the scene and gone straight to aftercare when the first tear hit.
After all was said and done, it was a good scene. One we'll try again, keeping in mind what happened this time and watching closely for emotions rising. We'll talk and deal with whatever might come.
So Dane had me go to the spanking bench, once again blind folded. I laid across it, he starts his usual touch routine, now we have added the wheels(OMG my #1 thing from this month). This time pop....touch..pop pop pop. I knew he was warming me up, I had no idea what he was using tho.
I knew it eventually got to the paddles. The paddles that have been hidden for as long I can remember. Paddles that have memories attached but not my memories. Hell one has masking tape around it from when it was used at school and broke against a 4th graders butt.
Pop pop pop pop...other things, pop pop pop...and the tears start to flow...Not just little tears but sobs..They won't stop, they just flow. Dane asks if I was ok, I tell him yes yes I am. I practiclly beg for him to not stop. I know in a moments notice if my body language changes,or I shut down. He will shut the scene off. I knew I needed to do this. To see if I could get answers, to try to figure out why this is a NO and has been for a long while.
I can tell you from past experiences its not my thing. I go into a negative rabbit-hole. Lost for days or weeks before I can snap out of it. We have tried to figure out my trigger, what does it look like, what does it feel like, what does it smell like. I have never been about to tell him, I have never been able to tell anyone what happened in the past. I can tell you there are several years that I don't have a lot of memories of. Years. Years to only have one or two memories. Some good some not so good. But not once did I have anything that was about my mom. Today, this spanking session sparked something. It still has yet to reveal the whole thing. I was telling Dane my filing cabinet has been opened and a file folder has been dumped, I am having a hard time seeing whats in the folder, I see pictures or flashes but the memory is just not there. I can hear myself saying things but don't know what lead up to that or what followed. I can hear myself saying "I am sorry mommy, I promise to be a good girl" I can see where it happened. I am not sure I want to know. My mom is gone so I can't ask her, my dad is gone I can't ask him. It was before a sibling was born. I know as I look back in the past I can see stuff that makes total sense now that I didn't understand then. Sometimes we have to go thru our trigger and see. Sometimes you don't want to, sometimes you don't really want to open that can of worms. However to move forward, you have to sometimes do the hard /bad to get to the soft/good.
I have done a lot of soul searching this month. Trying to figure out what makes me tick the way it does.
Dane did great after care after my breakdown. He knew and still knows I have to piece together stuff. He knows this is not going to fix itself, he knows exactly how much to push me. He knows I will share with him when I am ready. He knows that right now I am not in a negative space. He also knows he is my safe space. You guy this couldn't have happened if I didn't trust Dane 110%. Its taken years for that trust to build to get here. Even tho we are here, I still have to let go of my control and let him take total control of me, its been a hell of a month!